last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Dicks are not precious.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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