Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
