if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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