I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
