I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
