Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
