i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
