u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
