just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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