the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
