My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
