Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
