I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
