i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
