I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
