i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I supernannyed him into submission
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
