So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
