Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
