My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I think my fart just growled at me.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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