dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
