Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Actions speak louder than pants.
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she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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