i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm passing your future prison.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
