i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
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