i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
