never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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