Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
