I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
third nipple confirmed
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Randomize
