I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
