Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
