my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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