I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
