Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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