I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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