Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
