I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
