i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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