I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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