I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
