She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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