now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
All I want is dick and wine.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
