I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
