She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
