You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
