Well douche your snatch and let's go!
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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