I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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