her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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