If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Found the puke drawer
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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