If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
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