Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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