put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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