She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
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