When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
