look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
