My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
