i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night