her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
