I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
