my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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